Update April 2013

It's been a long time since I posted last, a lot of things have changed for me. I sought general counselling 2 years ago to help me with my food but also socialising/dealing with people. Through counselling a lot of anger and things that were buried in me over years of frustration came out and I'm in the process of dealing with them. But even within the first 6 months a lot of good came from it, I started to relax generally (I hadn't realised before how tense I was, especially around my throat) and started trying new foods. I finally met an amazing lady who has been the most incredible and amazing support in my life especially with food. Compared to what I was eating two years ago I can eat a wide range of foods, any salads, any boneless chicken and I've tried sausages and beef once or twice but have enjoyed my ability to eat different things that I'm not feeling the pressure to keep trying new things. The reason I'm posting is if you have had an eating problem I would highly recommend seeking general counselling. The one I've been going to hasn't dealt with eating issues like mine before but he is interested in helping people and took a lot of time to understand me and what I was needing to deal with so make sure to find a good counsellor.

Update

It's been a while since I last posted. I attended Felix's one day session in April. It has removed the barrier I had to trying food, I still gag if I try rush food but I have tried things like a Vegetable Curry and a Stuff Hot Pepper, to the amazement of my family. Unfortunately I'm still too lazy to push myself to improve my daily eating habits, I was able to eat the above in a social setting with minimal problems.

The session was well worth the time and money, I don't think I fully engaged as much as I could have but it definitely helped. I just need to push myself to keep trying things enough times till I enjoy them, although I did like the vegetable curry and would like to try it again soon.

Renewed attempt (again!)

After a good December and January, my attempts at trying new things have faltered. The ploughman's sandwich I was trying no longer seems to be available but has been replaced with a wholemeal smaller one. I've never tried wholemeal anything before which only adds to the difficulty of trying. I did, however, try it and managed to swallow a few mouthfuls but it was tricky to keep my mind distracted. My few successes in trying seem to have only come from repetition, relaxation and resolve, I just seem to be lacking them at the moment!

Talking about eating problems

I've found from my personal and other people's experiences that talking openly about your eating problems can be very difficult. Even if you know the person you may feel embarrassed or they may not really be suitably able to deal with the discussion. Talking about issues may not always solve them but can be part of the solution. As previously mentioned, I saw a psychiatrist for many years and although ultimately it did not help directly it did help having a sounding and venting board.

It was only years later, after I had stopped seeing the psychiatrist, that I really begun to appreciate their help in just as separate person to openly talk about anything without the fear of being judged or criticised. I was reminded of this feeling to an extent from the meet up, although not quite the same it did draw many similarities. So I highly recommend finding and talking to someone, be it a friend, colleague or a doctor.

Fear of the approach

I've always avoided social events/things where there was the possibility of food, I'm still wary of them but each time I have tried food (new or otherwise). I'm growing, albeit slowly, in confidence to actually now go to these socials. I still get really nervous but I think, like with getting used to new food, it will go in time.

Try, try, try and try again: Sandwich success

I started trying a sandwich, from Tesco, off and on a while ago, it's called a ploughman (not sure why) but has cheese (tried ok before), lettuce (tried ok before), tomato (tried before not bad not good), onion (tried with other things but unknown) and pickle (never tried, and it looks horrible). The first time I tried it I had to use a lot of orange juice to hide/cover the taste and texture and help it down, actually the first half a dozen tries (a try being a new attempt, each eating a bit more).

My first goal was to just try eat it and not have a gagging sensation, fortunately I did only have one or two minor issues but that was in part thanks to the orange juice helping. Once I got over that I aimed to finish just half the sandwich, it too many times but I worked my way up and now can eat 90% of it. The only problem I have now is the size of it, my body/stomach is not used to the volume but within the week I expect I will be able to finish a complete one.

As I've seen before with the number of tries I've gone from forcing the sandwich down to now actually enjoying it!

New resolution

Although it's before new year's my new resolution is to not let my eating problem be a bigger problem than it is. For too long I've let it dominate my life and hold me back from socialising properly, with my new approach to trying things I'm going to join in things as much as possible.

Some explanations go better than expected

I managed to explain my eating situation without difficulty a few weeks ago, and things went well. I tried a few new foods for the first time, butternut squash risotto and a veggie burger. I managed a good amount of bites and only had minor gagging sensations. I also tried pasta and tomato sauce again but still battle with the volume, only cleared about a third of the plate. I've come to the realisation that I need to push through times when I don't feel/want to try and have a go anyway. It's not been easy but it's nice to see some progress.

Explaining SED to someone you care about

I had a first date the other night and managed to go through the whole evening without eating without a problem for me. But I do know the girl wanted to order (seemed to indicate at first she was hungry but then didn't mention it again) but I suspect didn't because I didn't. I feel bad as I didn't stop her but if I had ordered she would have, I am meeting again soon so know if I am to go through a whole evening I need to order something too. I know I can eat some pasta so am going to try find a place and go there, but the last (and first) time I tried pasta publicly was with a friend so it was a completely different vibe.

Regardless of what happens I know I need to raise the issue of my eating as it's only fair but I don't want it to overshadow things, and my eating is constantly improving (at least trying new things wise). So I've been trying to think for the last day or so how to raise it in a reasonable way that highlights things without being overly dramatic.

Sandwich trying

I was not able to get to a pub to try a proper meal over the weekend. I instead carried on trying the sandwich a few more times. I'm slowly getting used to it now, having a lot less orange juice and the pickle/onion taste is slowly but surely growing on me. I just have to keep slowing my tries down as chewing slowly is not easy when you just want to get it down and over with. I'm still meeting the person but hopefully just for drinks, not sure. Regardless I'm intent on finishing a whole sandwich by the end of the month, tonight I ate half of it.